The Big ‘A’

I’m proud. I know it might sound insane but I am proud of leaving university. It was a scary thing to do. Especially with no back up plan. Now I have taken a step back I have realised that university is a bubble of people who think they know the real world because they have moved away from home. They haven’t. My first year of university was the best. Freshers was as mad as I had hoped and studying a subject that I loved made me exited for the rest of my career. But there are no easy routes on the road to success. Different people have different obstacles. Mine was anxiety and panic. I have suffered with anxiety ever since a random panic attack I had in lower sixth form. That was three years ago. The crazy thing about my anxiety is that it has no routine, no warning and no mercy. My first day back of my second year of my degree I had the panic attack to beat all panic attacks. From that day on I found it impossible to motivate myself to go to seminars, lectures and workshops due to fear of embarrassment, heart palpitations, nausea, cramps and hyperventilation. As a result of this I spent most of my semester in my flat, alone. I was alone because my would-be flat mate pulled out at the last minute and I was left with no other choice. If you’re a person who has experienced similar problems to me you will be aware of how easy it is to spiral into a pit of self-pity, depression, over or under eating, constant showers, relentlessly cleaning your room only to spend the next three days in bed without washing or tidying yourself or your home. There are no half measures when it comes to anxiety. I would either be determined to get a handle on my life to the point where I would take part in almost ritualistic behaviors that I was convinced would help me. Or, I would give up all hope and wait for the loneliness to swallow me whole. Most days I would get up, go into university and sit in the library for the duration of my seminar or lecture. I felt paralysed by my anxiety. Like something dreadful may happen if I was to walk into the lecture hall or seminar room. After many weeks of this I didn’t sleep much during the night. I slept a lot during the day. Looking back on it now I think that I slept during the day to avoid feeling guilty about not doing the things that I should have been doing.

During my second semester I decided that something needed to change. It was past midnight and I was counting in my head the number of hours I had until I had to start getting ready to attempt another day at university. I was staying in a block of flats filled with students. I was always jealous when I could hear them going out for a night on the town or stumbling back and crawling into bed. Even after their alcohol fuelled night of excitement, they were able to drag themselves to the 9:00am lecture I had spent all night in bed thinking about.

            University is supposed to be the most exiting time of a young person’s life, but for me it was the opposite. Not through any fault of the uni or myself but because of the mental illness I was suffering from. I decided there and then that enough was enough. I printed off and filled in a suspension of studies form and e-mailed the uni to set up the necessary appointments required to take a year out of study. This was the best decision I have made in my twenty years of life. I needed time to level my head and get the medical attention I needed. After all, what good is a degree if you cannot get up in the morning to attend a job interview or go to the job you have worked three years to get. Or even worse, be able to function but being depressed and miserable the whole time because no on knows what you are going through.

If anyone reading this has suffered with any mental health illnesses you will know that it is not something that you are willing to talk about freely. For me, I was always embarrassed as there is a stigma around mental health and whether or not it is a real illness. This of course is not true and depression, anxiety, OCD, eating disorders are as real as any physical illness. Once I realised this it became a lot easier to start the process of getting better. I take my medication and I attend regular appointments. Without the stress of exams and assignments this has become a lot easier. It takes bravery to admit that things are getting too much for you and accepting that you can’t do everything on your own. And for someone like me, being decisive is tricky as well. This is why I am proud of myself.  If there is anyone reading this who has had similar struggles, please know that it is 100% okay to take a step back. Fortune favours the brave. Your life will wait for you to take care of yourself, you deserve it.

It has been almost four months since I have had a panic attack or any form of anxiety. I will return to complete my English Literature Bachelor’s Degree in the January of 2020 and will graduate in the summer of 2021. Anxiety will always be a part of my life but with the help of my family, friends, doctors and most of all, myself, I am on the road to recovery. I am optimistic about the future and look forward to a life of excitement and success.